Thoughts on Adoption: Through the Eyes of a Biracial Child

“We’re adopting a biracial child,” my mother said. 

“Why would you do a thing like that? You know if you just wait, God will give you the desires of your heart.” 

Adopting a brown or black child is not a last resort. A brown or black child is always worthy of being wanted, yes, even by a white mother.

“You don’t have a real sister. You wouldn’t understand what it means to have a sister.”

Family is relative. It is real and true even if it isn’t spelled out in blood.

“Adopting brown and black children is a great way to teach your own kids the value of loving those who are different.” 

Adopted children are always “your own.” Black and brown children are not accessories towards a goal of “colorblind” love. They are not props in a story, but are children in a family. Additionally, if you are a white family adopting/who have adopted brown and black children, be aware of the unintentional, yet present notion of white saviorism that some of your well-meaning friends might fall into. Yes, your hearts are good and big to adopt, but combat other’s tendency to place you on a pedestal that could reinforce the problematic notion that black and brown children are in need of saving by good white parents. Remind your friends, lovingly, that we are all in need of saving.

I also think it’s important for white parents to recognize the very real and sometimes psychologically damaging effects of transracial adoption. We often see adoption on smiling faces and in joyous family portraits. Don’t get me wrong, adoption is the most beautiful thing I have ever been a part of, but we are doing adoptees of color a disservice if we don’t recognize and prepare for the ways their experiences may negatively impact them.

Adoption already comes with a suitcase full of various emotions. Whether adopted from another country, another state, at the age of 12 or the age of 2 weeks, many adoptees inevitably experience the repercussions of adoption throughout their life at different moments and in different stages. Its important to understand how normal emotional issues associated with adoption might become more complicated with adoptees of color. Loss might be felt in terms of loss of cultural heritage, loss of country, loss of language and emotions of abandonment and rejection might become inextricably linked to ideas of racial inferiority or racial authenticity. Transracial adoption is not a single-event but an intersectional experience that unravels over time. (For more information see 7 Emotional Issues in Adoption)

“You know nothing about being black. Your parents are white.” 

No, my parents are not black. I don’t look at my mother and see my hair, my skin. They will never fully know and understand what it means to be brown. They could not teach me about my heritage and history from a place of experience. Yes, there are things they cannot give me. Love cannot understand what it feels like to be called a ni–er. Love cannot understand the emptiness when a boy tells you he could never marry someone who isn’t white. Love cannot know the way you wished to have the brown dissolve into the shower drain after someone called you dirty. A loving parent will always hurt when their child hurts, and I am comforted in the times my mother grieves with me. But that love cannot grieve from a place of understanding through experience. But love can be selfless. Love can speak truth. Love can bring healing. My parents could not give me a life in color, but they DID give me a life saturated in their grace, their wisdom, their compassion, their faith. They did give me their love which filled the gaps in our understanding, in our experience that we could not share. They did give me the confidence that my earthly identity is fleeting, and the only color that will matter in the end is the red of Jesus’ blood.

Each of these bolded statements communicates something about authenticity, about adequacy. Each says something about being enough. Not family enough, not white enough, not black enough, not wanted enough.

As an adopted biracial child in Northern Kentucky these statements represent just a fraction of the experiences that made me feel like I wasn’t enough. But being an adopted biracial child in Northern Kentucky also brought me the greatest story of adoption ever told. One where the children are always enough, always chosen, always wanted.

Before Jesus, we weren’t holy or righteous enough to earn those labels. After Jesus, we are sealed into eternity with an inherited worth because Jesus’ body was the bridge to reconciliation with the Father. We are adopted. And yes, there are days it is harder to believe the truth than it is to believe the lies about who we truly are, but Jesus would go again to the cross to prove to us that yes, we ARE His heart’s desire.